God… straight up… I feel like you are calling me to do something out of the ordinary... something not labeled as an "American" lifestyle. It's so scary to even say this because it makes it more real and in a sense I feel held accountable, but that's what I need. I feel Kenya on my heart. Is that where you are calling me? I don't know. I don’t know where, when, or what you want me to do. All I know is that I cannot control my weeping when I think about the starving orphans in Africa, when I think about the lost needing the hope of Jesus, when I begin thinking about surrendering everything, when I think about rising to your call in my life. The uncontrollable crying is you. I feel you speaking to me. The only way I can explain it is that you are pouring out your vision and your plan for my life. That you are giving me a piece of your heart, giving me your feelings, your heartbreak, your passion, your love for these people. I feel you telling me the plan you have for my life… but I’m scared.
I hold onto myself. Hold onto my life. I want to lose control and give it to you, yet I want to have control. I want to be in control even though I disappoint myself time after time of failing, of choosing the wrong things, of not being able to do all things by myself.
God, you are the one and only who deserves control over my life. The only one who is able to make my life perfect. The only one who can handle my life.
I’m scared to hand over every part of my life to completely follow your will. However, the scariest place to be is outside of your will. God, I know that once I do let go of everything, I will have a peace and comfort never felt before.
I know this because I get to the line; I brush up against the wall. When I’m there I taste the freedom, the joy that I will have when I surrender every bit of my being to you. But, for some reason I stop at the wall and don’t jump over it. At that time, I feel you back away. God, you want me so bad right now. You want to rain down your love, joy, and freedom over me! You are just waiting for me. I see it.
I begin running to you. Crying out for you. Seeking every part of you. Desiring your will for my life. I jump on top of the wall. You get so excited and start climbing up the wall... even though you are right by me… you extend your arms out to me, begin to embrace me in your arms, you begin pouring yourself, your being, your feelings, emotions, every bit of who you are into me. But, I turn around and jump off the wall, immediately feeling a sense of emptiness. An emptiness I don’t want.
Father God… you are like no other! Always… you are always waiting for us. Always willing and wanting us to come to you. No matter how many times we fail, or how many times we turn away from you, or how many times we don’t give you the glory you deserve… you are standing right by our side with a smile on your face, extending your arms just waiting for us to run to them and crawl into your lap.
God! You want to give us a freedom, a joy, a peace that we have never experienced and never will until the day we surrender ourselves over to you. You are so good!!
Freely you gave it up for us, surrendered your life upon that cross, great is your love poured out for all, this is you, God. You lifted our life from death to life, forever, God, you will be glorified… you deserve ALL praise!! All I want to do is scream out your name. I want to proclaim the Savior you are to all of us!
God… I want to truly consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing knowledge of knowing you. I want to be found in you. You have the power to transform my lowly mind and body to be like you. I ask that you transform me. I ask for a blood transfusion. God, I want to put down all of me, rid myself of every selfish ambition. I want to fall at your feet and give my life to you. It breaks my heart knowing I can't say all of the following words and mean it with my whole heart, but I pray that I will be able to sing these words to you and truly mean every bit of it soon…
I surrender… cause I trust you God
I surrender… all my hope is in you
I surrender… I place all my trust
I surrender to you God
I surrender… cause your ways are far above mine
…
No turning back, I’ve made up my mind
I’m giving all of my life this time
No turning back, I’ve made up my mind
I’ve giving all of my life this time
Your love makes it worth it… your love makes it worth it all
